In Your Honor Read online

  In Your Honor

  By Heidi Hutchinson

  Copyright 2014 Heidi Hutchinson

  Smashwords Edition

  In Your Honor

  Copyright © 2013 Heidi R Hutchinson

  All Rights Reserved

  Cover Design: Heidi R Hutchinson

  Book Design: Heidi R Hutchinson

  Front Cover Photography by Laura Gibson

  Editor: Tara Burch

  David Warren appears courtesy of ©2013 Laura Gibson and Defenestrate Publishing.

  This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold

  or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person,

  please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did

  not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your

  favorite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard

  work of this author.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  Table of Contents

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Nothing

  Chapter 2

  But, Honestly

  Chapter 3

  Wild Horses

  Chapter 4

  Something I Said

  Chapter 5

  Southern Accent

  Chapter 6

  Black Heart Inertia

  Chapter 7

  Soul to Squeeze

  Chapter 8

  Light Years

  Chapter 9

  How

  Chapter 10

  Free Me

  Chapter 11

  Never Say Never

  Chapter 12

  Dig

  Chapter 13

  Most of Me

  Chapter 14

  High Road

  Chapter 15

  Crack the Shutters

  Chapter 16

  Word Forward

  Chapter 17

  A Matter of Time

  Chapter 18

  Rope

  Chapter 19

  Storm

  Chapter 20

  Broken

  Chapter 21

  Find A Way

  Chapter 22

  Near You Always

  Chapter 23

  Tonight

  Epilogue

  Oklahoma Sky

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  To Charles

  I'll always be your girl

  Prologue

  Cologne, Germany

  Three Years Ago

  Blake rested his spinning head in his hands, pressing the heels into his eye sockets. He was way too drunk for what was happening. The sterile surroundings of the Catholic hospital made his intoxicated confusion more pronounced, and he felt humiliation take a seat right next to his overwhelming dread.

  A soft figure sat down next to him and he slowly rotated his head to see the tiny figure of a nun looking at him with kind eyes. She extended a cup of coffee his direction and he took it. She said something to him that he didn't understand.

  “I'm sorry, I don't speak German,” he said with a grimace.

  She nodded and patted his knee gently. “You must have coffee.” Her English was good, but he could tell she was a little unsure.

  “Yes, thank you.” He raised the cup she had given him. “Danke.” He knew a few basic words but not enough for a conversation. Especially right now.

  “Your friend,” she raised her eyebrows in question, “he is sick?”

  “Yes.” Blake felt a wave of anguish wash over him. “Very sick.”

  Mike was more sick than any of them had realized. They should have, though. They did. They just didn't want to have to deal with it. They were all too busy with their own shit. And now, Mike might not make it. It was insane how much had changed in the past couple of hours.

  When Carl had finally gotten through to Blake and Luke at the bar, Mike was already unconscious. Luke had been in the hospital room with him since they had arrived. Blake wasn't ready to go in yet. He was too ashamed. And scared. And so drunk still. He reached up to rub his forehead with his fingertips.

  He wanted to blame someone. Maybe he could blame Ilsa, he'd never trusted her. She was so demanding of Mike's time and energy. Blake had known she was a user too, but he chose to ignore it. He chose to worry about himself despite the promise that all of them had made years ago to run this band like a family instead of a hobby.

  “You have someone.” The nun interrupted his blurry thoughts again. He frowned, not sure what she meant. She gestured to the phone he clutched in his hand. He looked down at it and remembered that he'd been getting ready to call someone. But he didn't know who. He knew who he wanted to call. But he had promised never to call her drunk again.

  “She'll be mad at me,” he said out loud, not caring if the nun understood at all.

  “Maybe,” the nun replied noncommittally, which made Blake almost smile.

  “I made a promise.” He stared at the floor in front of him, his head a complete mess. He had promised to stay away forever. But all he wanted at that moment was to hear her tell him everything would be okay.

  “Promises can be remade.” The nun patted his knee again and he glanced over at her. She smiled secretively and then stood up, leaving him alone.

  His stare returned to his phone. The loneliness in his chest caused him to cue up her number and press Send before he sobered up enough to talk himself out of it. He pressed the device to his ear and hoped she would answer.

  She picked up sooner than he expected.

  “Hello?” she answered tentatively.

  “Hey,” Blake croaked, his vision suddenly blurring with unexpected tears.

  “What's wrong, Blake?” He could almost see the concern on her face as it radiated through the phone. No anger, or accusation. Only genuine worry. He had never deserved her.

  “Mike overdosed.” He pushed the words out heavily. He heard her alarmed gasp and he continued, “I know I said I'd stay away. But you're the only one I can call. I'm really scared. He's in a coma. Luke is with him right now, but we have no idea what's going to happen. And I'm really drunk and confused and I feel bad for calling you but I... I just didn't know what else to do.”

  “It's okay, Blake. I'm glad you called me.” She was trying to calm him down. From thousands of miles away he could feel the overwhelming comfort that she was practically made out of. He missed her. He wished she was there with him right now, to hold him and tell him it was going to be okay.

  “I miss you,” he confessed, and he didn't care how it sounded.

  “I miss you, too.” She was quiet for a moment. “I'm sure Mike will pull through. All you boys are tough. How is Luke holding up?”

  Blake really couldn't believe how amazing she was. They had left things so messy and ugly. And here she was, holding him one more time.

  “He's scared too.” Blake reached up and wiped the tears off the side of his face. “I wish I had done things differently.”

  “Blake, don't do this to yourself. Not right now,” she pleaded tenderly over the phone.

  “How do we fix this? I never saw this coming. I have no idea what to do.” Every word had two meanings, and he knew she knew it. He needed her to. He needed her to know that he wasn't proud of anything he had done. “Is it all really over? I mean, maybe I could start doing things differently now. Maybe I could figure this whole thing out.”

  “Blake...” His name hung
off her lips and he desperately wanted a do-over on life.

  “Don't.” He ran his hand over the back of his head in frustration. “Don't say what I know you're gonna say.”

  Then she did what she always did. She reached across the miles and gave him exactly what he needed to get through this moment.

  “Tell me about Europe. Are the crowds are as crazy as I've heard?”

  Blake leaned back and sighed. He told her about the shows and the flights and the cities they'd been to. They discussed the music and the latest album. Sway and Harrison arrived but sat silently nearby. She kept him distracted until he was sober and the sun was coming up outside. It had to be in the middle of the night where she was, and still she continued the conversation.

  Blake saw Luke coming down the hallway towards them and knew they were all getting ready to have a difficult conversation.

  “I have to go,” he said painfully, not knowing when he'd ever hear her voice again. “Thank you. For everything.”

  “You're gonna be okay, Blake. Y'all will,” she said, her soft accent making him smile one last time.

  “I'm sorry I broke my promise of not contacting you again,” he said quickly as Luke got closer and goodbye was imminent.

  “Tonight doesn't count,” she tried to reassure him.

  “It counts for me.” He took a quick breath before he had time to change his mind. “I love you.” He hung up the phone without waiting for a reply because he knew those days were over. He couldn't go back and she had asked him not to. But he had to tell her at least once more.

  He doubted that he would ever feel like he had told her enough.

  Chapter 1

  Nothing

  “You want another?” The bartender's gruff voice broke through Blake's melancholy study of his empty glass.

  He licked his dry lips, chewing on the bottom one briefly before nodding and pushing the glass towards the barkeep. His eyes glazed over as he stared at the warm, brown liquid refilling the glass. He couldn't remember how many he'd had at this point. Probably too many. His thoughts were still too clear for his own comfort. He swirled the cheap whiskey once before downing it.

  “Mmm, I see you went for the good stuff, must be a party.” Sway's sarcastic quip from Blake's left caused him to roll his eyes.

  “Piss off, Sway,” Blake slurred as he nodded at the bartender again.

  Sway made himself comfortable on the stool, resting his elbow on the bar and his chin in his hand, and looked at Blake.

  “You saw the schedule, I take it?” Sway stated the obvious.

  “Oh, yeah.” Blake threw another shot back and relished the burn as it traveled down his nearly numb throat.

  “I bet I could get it switched if you want me to,” Sway offered, but they both knew how absurd that sounded.

  “Don't bother. It was bound to happen eventually.” Blake rubbed his forehead with his right hand, feeling himself break out into a sweat. He slammed his palm back on the bar. “I have to grow up someday, right?” He chuckled cynically as he tried to stand.

  “Whoa,” Sway cautioned him as he grabbed Blake's arm, keeping him from toppling over. Yep, he'd almost had enough.

  “I gotta take a piss,” Blake mumbled and he staggered to the bathroom at the back of the dimly lit and mostly empty bar.

  He liked this bar. It wasn't his favorite, but it was out of the way enough that most of his friends wouldn't find him here. Also, it wasn't a very successful establishment, so he never had to worry about being recognized. It was the closest thing to a hick bar he had been able to find in Boston. He didn't need it often, just when he thought about stupid shit.

  He leaned against the wall for support as he made his poorly aimed deposit in the urinal.

  It really wasn't anyone's fault that he had felt the strong need to get hammered. He had seen the touring schedule and had immediately hailed a cab. He needed a drink. He was going to need a lot more before he hit the road too. He had no idea how he was going to cope with being on another friggin' dry tour.

  He washed his hands in the grimy sink and looked at his red, watery eyes in the mirror. His normally stylishly messy black hair wasn't stylish at all, and his shoulders sagged like a man defeated. Maybe he could stay away this time. Maybe he wouldn't have to stop at that godforsaken diner and order a frickin' piece of frickin' apple pie. It's not like she'd be there anyway. She was married by now, or so he'd heard. Living her happily frickin' ever after.

  Blake pushed away from his reflection and made his way back to the bar. He ignored Sway's disapproving head shake as he ordered another shot. If she was still creeping into his thoughts, he hadn't had enough.

  ***

  Sway made an obvious show of wiping off the rim of the glass with a napkin before taking a drink of the water he'd ordered while waiting for Blake. He hated this place. It was gross and not up to the standards that Sway felt a reputable musician should frequent. He looked over at Blake, who was back from the bathroom and already downing another shot, and grimaced. It was going to be a long night. Again.

  “How about we head home early tonight,” he tried to suggest casually, knowing it would fall on deaf ears.

  “Go ahead.” Blake dismissed him with a sloppy wave of his hand.

  No, Sway couldn't leave him. Not like this.

  “Maybe we could try a different bar at least.” Sway ignored the glare from the bartender.

  “I like it here,” Blake declared a little too loudly.

  “Whatever you say, man,” Sway relented. He wished he knew how to better handle one of Blake's 'episodes.' One tiny insinuation about his hometown or state, and he went straight to the nearest bottle of Jim. Sway wasn't even sure of the last time Blake had even been home. They usually avoided traveling anywhere near his triggers, Virginia Beach being the exception. He wasn't even clear on why that place had caused Blake to go ape shit last year, it just had.

  But the band always knew when he was thinking about home. Thinking about her. He was pretty easy to read in that regard. That's why Sway knew right where to look when he saw the schedule and Blake wouldn't answer his phone. Two dates this year had been booked in Oklahoma.

  “I have a great idea,” Blake announced, cutting into Sway's thoughts. “Let's work on the tattoo.”

  Sway was already shaking his head. “No, no, no, we don't do that drunk anymore, remember?” Blake was already pulling his coat on and walking a little sideways towards the door.

  “Fine, ya big girl, you stay here.” Blake laughed at his own insult and pushed outside.

  Sway was close behind him. “C'mon, we talked about this like a hundred times. You made me promise not to let you do this again.”

  Blake chuckled and put an arm around Sway's shoulders more for support than for a hug. “Yeah, but you always give in.”

  Sway sighed. That he did. Fighting Blake when he was like this was never the best option. He was going to do what he set out to do, with or without approval. At least Sway would be sure that he got home safe tonight.

  The tattoo parlor that Blake had been going to since he'd moved to Boston was only a couple of blocks away. They wouldn't care that he was drunk. It wouldn't be the first time.

  The particular tattoo that Blake was referring to had been years in the making. It was mostly dark clouds and lightning that covered the left side of his chest and wrapped around his shoulder and most of his left arm. Two wild horses, their manes made of lightning and water, were screaming out of the center of the storm. A small section of the clouds broke apart high on his chest to reveal a star-filled sky. The colors and shading were exquisite, and Sway knew that Zeke loved the work he had put into it.

  They entered the small establishment and the girl sitting at the counter took one look at the two of them before hollering over her shoulder, “Zeke! The rock stars are here.”

  “Thanks, Tab.” Sway nodded to the willowy chick with porcelain skin and traffic cone orange hair that looked more supple than it should for how processed i
t was. She smiled sweetly as she opened the door next to her, letting Blake stagger through.

  “Does Zeke even have an opening?” Sway asked, staring at the gauges in her ears; they were way bigger than the last time he had been in here.

  “Yeah, it's been slow today. Besides, he would make time for Blake no matter what.” She leaned across the counter and ran a finger over Sway's bottom lip. “I wish you'd let me pierce that pretty face of yours.”

  Sway gave her a sideways smile. “I love it when you flirt with me, Tabitha.”

  She flashed a smile and he stepped through the open door to help Blake into his usual chair.

  Zeke emerged from the back and chuckled, rubbing his shaved head with an open hand. “I could smell the Jim Beam from the back office. Let me guess, you wanna work on the side piece?” He settled onto his stool as Blake struggled with removing his shirt.

  “I wanna add the words today.” Blake leaned back and put his arms over his head.

  Zeke raised dark, speculative eyes at Sway in question. Sway shrugged. “I know, I tried to talk him out of it.”

  “All right, buddy.” Zeke put on a pair of gloves and started setting up his station.

  Sway took a seat nearby and Tabitha swiveled on her stool to face him. His gaze started at her hot pink heels, then moved up her long fishnet legs to her black shorts that were connected to matching hot pink suspenders.

  “I always like the view here,” he praised, and she raised a pierced eyebrow.

  “I wish you guys would come by more often instead of only during the random bender.” Tabitha tucked a neon orange strand of hair behind her ear.

  “You and me both.” Sway rolled his eyes. “So what kind of things do you pierce?”

  “We have this conversation every time, Sway,” she chided.

  “I know, but I forget. Indulge me.” He gave her a crooked grin and glanced over as the tattoo gun started to whir against Blake's side. The words were the last little bit to be added. Blake had held off for a long time, saying that he wasn't ready to put that nail in the coffin quite yet. Sway had to wonder if this would actually change anything.